You’re also likely quite intelligent and quite successful. You’re the reason for their success. You improve their reputation subtly, and at first they appreciate it. Thus, the narcissist will be first drawn to you because of your strength, personal power, and all the other characteristics that make you dynamic. This is because they are constantly looking out for number one—their own self-interest. Narcissists, however, need to dominate social situations. Furthermore, they need to manufacture and sustain an impression of invincibility, regardless of how elusive it may be.
A destructive narcissist will eventually find your strength and power to be a major source of conflict. Depending on the specifics, it may become immediately apparent sometimes right away, and other times it takes a while longer to become an obvious problem in the couple’s dynamic. You’ll feel a genuine change in the air when that time comes.
Your strength and personal power may cause a covert narcissist to feel fear, envy, and insecurity—but they may be able to keep it a secret for a while. A more blatant narcissist can flip from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde in an instant. As a result, they probably won’t be able to keep their triggers and ego wounds hidden for long.
All narcissists are dishonest and cunning, but covert ones are especially so, in my opinion and observation. To continue: remember that narcissists thrive when they have power and influence over others, as long as their wants and needs are addressed. But be on the watch if and when that changes.
When you’re not giving in to their demands, when it’s evident that they’re not in charge, when you refuse to do what they want—or, heaven forbid, you manage to outshine somehow or otherwise embarrass them—what happens is this: whether you recognize it or not, something that actually has nothing to do with you and no influence over it causes a hit to their ego, and sometimes a significant one.
This isn’t your thing; it’s theirs. If they’re unable to manipulate, dominate, or control you—such as by gaslighting you into submission, humility, or feelings of inferiority—they will not be able to succeed in the way they originally intended. Then they’ll have to resort to indirect methods of attacking you, which are more subtle and less obvious than their original aggressive approach, but can be just as damaging.
You can’t get anywhere by trying to shape other people’s opinions of you. A narcissist will feel frightened by you if they’re unable to exert power over you. And when you make them feel threatened, they will react in the only manner they know how to protect their fragile self from you. That usually entails making efforts to manage others’ impressions and emotions about you preemptively. They will try to discredit, degrade, and demean you in every way they can.
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