A narcissist remembers the abuse they caused you, but not in the way you remember it. When a narcissist does something bad, they do not remember the full reality of what they did. They remember the part where they look right and you look wrong. They remember the version where they can justify themselves, defend themselves, and make you look like the problem. Over time, they may even start believing that version because their mind works at that level.
They do not remember the situation as “I hurt this person.” They remember it as “this person reacted badly to me,” which is why I acted the way I acted. Minimization and justification, right? When a narcissist does something bad—something horrible, something unacceptable—and you confront them, if you say even one small detail incorrectly, they will focus on semantics and judge you.
For example, if you say, “You said this,” they may say, “No, I did not say that in the way you are describing it. I said it this way. You’re using the incorrect words. The point is, you hurt me.” They don’t focus on what they did, but how you’re describing what they did. That’s how crazy they are—which is why it feels like you’re banging your head against a wall all the time.
Then they will use that small difference to villainize you, to outcast you, to say that you are always exaggerating things and that you are gaslighting them. They make the whole conversation about your one incorrect detail instead of the actual abuse they caused. That is what their mind remembers—or, should I say, wants to remember. That is what it has been trained to do again and again, and now it has become their reality.
Narcissists always remember your reaction. They barely remember what they did to create that reaction. When you say, “You did this to me,” they may act like they don’t remember at all, as if everything has been deleted from their mind. We call it tunneled vision or confabulation.
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